Scared of Medication?

If you are scared of starting medication for mental health you are not alone. Before I started taking Fluoxetine, a gentle medication used to treat many problems, I was vehemently against medication. I had seen a family member struggle with feeling like a zombie for decades. I read an article in high school about brain development claiming that our brain does not fully develop until we are 25. I wanted to solve my problems on my own. I felt I just needed to grow up, take responsibility, and do the work like everyone else. I rejected the solution to my problems for fear that medication would alter my personality and take away my self-expression.

Would I Lose Myself?

If I allowed a chemical to alter my brain, would I still be myself? Fear kept my mind closed. It took me seven years to take the first pill. During the first week of taking a pill a day panic and dispair rolled in oceanic waves over my head and kept me indoors and under the sheets. I panicked, I slept, and I waited. The emotional tide calmed over the week and sunlight shined in my life that I never knew before; happiness was possible.

What I didn't understand about mental health medication before was that it was never meant to take away the essence of who you are. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, PMDD, ADHD, or any assortment of letters that you think defines you, does define you without the proper help. The intention of mental health medication is to take away your illness' power and allow you to live and act with the honesty of your true personality, unhindered by your disorder. You don't have to take a pill to find your sunlight, but be open to the idea as long as a professional is the one recommending the medication you are considering.

How did I know I Needed Medication?

I tried every holistic approach in the book.

• Essential oils

• Yoga

• Going to a nutritionist to find a better diet

• Water fasting

• Time management

• Therapy

• Talking to friends and family

• Journaling

• Meditation

And much, much more. Nothing made me feel better and every failure made me feel worse. I felt lost and confused daily. I was worn raw and started crying for no reason. I made the people closest to me uncomfortable and sad. People had to walk on eggshells for fear of hurting or embarrassing me. I couldn't be comforted, I couldn't be consoled. I forgot what happiness felt like and I became ungrateful and blind to what was right in front of me. I forgot how to love because it took too much energy to care for someone else. I couldn't even care for myself.

What changed?

About two years ago I found myself fighting with someone that I love. I was making them feel bad because I thought they were trying to make me feel bad about myself. I slowed down and stopped talking. Something felt wrong. This person that I loved also loved me. If they loved me they wouldn't be trying to hurt me, therefore I should be open to anything that they are trying to say to me.

Something clicked inside my brain and I understood that the problem was with myself, not with them. I was trying to control what they said and how they said it without hearing the intent behind the words. Nobody speaks perfectly and it can be difficult to criticize without causing pain. I also realized that they did not make me feel any worse than how I felt before I spoke with them. In fact, they made me feel better, but I was taking my anguish out on them.

But Why was I so Sad?

I was sad for many reasons. I wasn't living up to my expectations and my goals weren't being met. I bullied myself for my looks, my actions, my interactions with others, and my inability to keep up with what others expected of me. I called myself names and berated myself as I missed deadlines and meetings, let others down, and received bad grades. I felt like something was wrong with me and mistakes somehow weren't my fault. Every time I considered this I berated myself again for making excuses. This led me to take out my anguish on others. Though I wish I never treated them this way, it was my love for my family that made me realize the error of my ways.

Life after Mental Health Medication

Since starting Fluoxetine just 4 months ago my whole life has changed. I never knew how much someone could accomplish in such a short amount of time. I started college again, giving music lessons, and answering phone calls. I reached out to friends and family members I haven't spoken to in years. I helped a close friend sift through legal documents. I fill out all necessary paperwork and meet every single deadline. I smile every day. I SMILE EVERY DAY. I am happy and grateful. I breathe deeply. I can handle things without breaking a sweat. I can love again. Mental health medication hasn't just changed my life, it has changed the lives of those I touch. Knowing what I know now allows me to forgive myself, love myself for who I truly am, and only wish I would have given myself a chance sooner.